Sensation seeking is a trait we all have and includes the search for complex and new experiences. Thrill Seekers, people with high-sensation seeking personalities, crave exotic and intense experiences even when physical or social risks are involved. This course helps learners examine the remarkable world of the high-sensation seeking personality and explores the lifestyle, psychology, and neuroscience behind thrill seekers.
[OPTIONAL] Podcast with a Sensation-Seeking Couple
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From the course by Emory University
The Psychology of Thrill Seekers
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From the lesson
How High Sensation Seeking Impacts Relationships
In this week, we get more personal and look at the challenges and rewards high sensation seekers face in regards to relationships and love.
Meet the Instructors
Kenneth CarterProfessor of Psychology
Oxford College
A lot of thrill-seekers have trouble getting their partner to understand
their desires and what makes them want to participate in risky activities.
But my guests today,
Kris and Jess, don't have this problem.
As a pair of thrill-seekers,
they are each other's most trustworthy companion as they
pursue their mutual love for outdoor adventure and rock climbing.
Listen in as we chat about why they loved rock climbing together,
how it enriches their relationship,
and what advice they have for other thrill-seeking couples.
This call is being recorded.
Hey, how are you?
Good. How are you?
I'm great, great.
Is Jess there, too?
Yes, I am on here as well.
I'm glad you're both here. Thank you so much.
I've been interviewing lots of different people
that do lots of different kinds of things.
And, one of the areas that I'm curious about is
how sort of adventure-seeking kinds of relationships,
and how they may be different,
and how the kinds of things that you do
enhance the relationship or add a new sort of layer to it,
or how it even affects your relationship.
And so, I was looking at your website, Kris,
and I saw that you had almost a little hidden section about outdoor shenanigans.
Yeah.
And, I thought, maybe you both could tell me a little bit about
some of the outdoor shenanigans that you participate in?
Kris, do you want to start?
Sure. So, Jess and I we've been married for over 10 years.
And we've been rock climbing together since before then.
And so, we've done like long,
alpine, multi-pitch type climbing.
We've done a lot of sport climbing,
which is sort of hard.
We've been climbing partners like harder mode.
They're usually single pitches.
We did a lot of bouldering together and were taking trips.
And what's the difference between the bouldering and sport climbing?
What's the difference between those?
So, sport climbing, there are expansion bulk.
The people are put in a cliff until you connect what's called,
a quick-draw to carabiners with some webbing in between them,
and so you connect that to the bolt and then pull your rope through there.
So if you fall, the extension bolt catches you.
And so, you're probably going 100 feet, perhaps.
I was bouldering there.
You're not using ropes,
you're climbing maybe as big as
house-size boulders and you have some pads underneath you to help soften the fall.
Oh, okay. And have you fallen before?
Have you ever fallen before?
There are lot's of falling.
Lots of falling involved.
And so, Jess, how does it feel when you see Kris doing this kind of thing?
Is it frightening to you?
Or if you see him fall,
or are you frightened that he might see you fall?
Is that something that you think about?
Well, everything within climbing is just a calculated risk.
Right.
So, I mean, you can do the safest form of climbing.
You can do it in a stupid way and hurt yourself.
So, everything that we do,
there's always that thought which actually keeps you safe, the what-if.
But typically, this is not like overwhelmingly scared for him or for myself.
I don't really know.
We haven't actually talked about like how he feels when
I'm climbing and what I feel when he is.
But yeah, I mean, it's usually on average,
I'm always like a little bit nervous, like "Oh,
I hopefully set everything up well."
But, I trust in his ability to look at the risk and my ability to look at the risk.
And we sometimes make decisions to not do something based on a lot of different factors.
But for the most part, like during activities,
I'm not really worried about him,
not to like it debilitating point.
I don't know if that makes sense or not.
No, no, it does.
Go ahead.
Oh, I was going to say, what about you Kris?
Does that pop in your head?
I mean, a lot of the thrill-seekers I've talked to said they
don't actually feel fear very much in general.
And I'm wondering whether or not, not for themselves.
Is that something that you feel for yourself or even for Jess?
Or is it just sort of not something that is part of the equation?
It's definitely part of the equation.
But I would say,
I mean, Jess is more
Careful.
That Jess is more cautious or careful than I am.
My level of comfort with
something is usually higher than her level of comfort for something.
So, I'm as good
because all around it's good because you sort of keep each other in check.
So, I'm not worried when she's climbing.
I'm generally not worried for her because I know that she isn't going
to push it to a point where it's dangerous for her.
But like Jess said,
there's always variables you can't control that are in the back of your head, for sure.
We have been in situations like where
something kind of went wrong when we were out and we
we've had a couple of efficient ways in where I was like, "Oh, crap!"
I really hope accidents don't happen because if it does,
we are going to be seriously injured.
And like in those couple of times when that happened,
I was not really worried about myself.
I was like, "Oh, please,
don't let my husband fall because it would be a really big problem."
But I mean, what did you say, Kris?
That happened only like once in a really,
really potentially bad, bad way.
Yes, it's happened a couple of times.
Usually, we calculate our risks beforehand,
so we feel like we are well within our limits most of the time.
But the couple times it did happen,
I was terrified for him,
not really for myself.
I would say that in those situations,
my mind turned differently than Jess's does a little bit.
But my mind turned immediately into a proble-solving,
even whether I'm in a situation where it's sketchy or we're in that situation,
my mind sort of pushes that fear away and says,
"How do I solve this problem?"
And the way that sort of my brain operates I guess.
Yeah.
The usual I've know a lot of the thrill seekers say that it's almost like
their body knows what to do and they're just trying to figure out what the next step is.
Now, a lot of the people,
I know a lot of couples that play cards together,
do board games, and really sort of low risk kinds of things.
How do you think that the climbing,
the fact that it's adventurous,
the fact that there's lots of stimulation going on there.
Do you think it adds to your relationship in a way?
I think it does.
It's definitely, some of our most heated fights is probably surrounded to,
because you're just really,
anytime your emotions are severely hiking.
If we're trying to make a decision on
whether something is safe or not and we should
continue or whether we should not continue,
sometimes it's an argument or a discussion like anybody else has.
But I think our climbing is probably added a different dynamic because we like really,
really, really, really, have to trust each other.
Yeah.
Even if we're in a situation and I say,
"Kris, I don't think this is safe.
I'm not exactly comfortable with it."
He says, "It is.
We need to do this to get out of here."
And then I have to say okay.
And I have to turn my brain off and just trust that yes,
he did make a good decision and go from there.
Well, I've never thought about that, there's really cute things there.
One of them is you're in the middle of this sort of
intense experience where the decisions are really
important and probably have lots of heated conversations then.
And it probably makes conversations about the dishwasher less intense in some ways.
Or does it make it more intense?
I don't know.
I don't know about that.
No. So always the dishwasher.
Who knows?
I think the climbing off though,
I agree with anything that Jess has said,
the fact that we share those type of experiences is
enriches our relationship in that we're
experiencing more things that we're passionate about together too.
Yes.
So, and we play board games together too and our.
That never goes well.
Yeah, it doesn't go well because we're both competitive.
But for us like I'm not passionate about board game,
but I'm passionate about the outdoors and passionate
about climbing and being in the mountain and stuff.
And so that we can share that,
I think enriches our relationship and that we share more.
Have more shared experiences and interests.
Some of the climbing experiences,
I feel like our climbing experience and our experiences outside are
sometimes even made fuller because we get to experience it with each other.
Because we have a level of trust outside of
our activities that most people who just have
a random climbing partner, don't really have.
I think the relationship enriches the climbing experience and vice versa.
Yeah, because it is an enduring sense of that trust.
And I know that a lot of couples will say that we trust each other.
But no one ever asked them,
well how do you know that?
Well, prove it.
Well, you are in an experience where you can say that you've seen that trust.
So something must come from that, right?
There is something that must endure from that experience where you
need to trust each other or you need to coax each other through something.
That must really enhance the relationship.
I hadn't even thought about that.
Yeah.
Yeah. Climbing, being kind of burners a little more intense than a trust ball.
Yeah, there's no pillow.
What about your friends and your family?
Are your family also sort of adventure seekers as well?
No, what do you say Kris?
Not really. I think my dad was a bit back in the day.
But he had kids pretty early and so he powered attribute that to him.
Becoming more responsible.
Quote unquote responsible and not doing many crazy things.
So what do they say about your activities that you do?
I don't think your parents understand it.
My dad thinks it's really awesome,
but I don't think he understands it, really.
Yeah, I would say they're supportive of us,
but both my parents and Jess's parents.
But perhaps my parents in the same way that you
just accept your crazy aunt or uncle for who they are.
They just accept that we're going to climb and that's not going to change.
I know. I told someone once that most parents want their kids to have really,
really, dull lives that they're very happy with.
Yeah.
I think my dad has a,
he definitely has an adventurous side to him.
He doesn't do the real sports or anything like that.
But he really likes getting out of his comfort zone.
And I don't know,
I think he likes the fact that we climb together.
And he just always, whenever we
put something on Facebook or something he's like, "That's so cool.
I'm glad you guys get to do that together."
I think he's pretty supportive.
So yes, we definitely,
neither one of us inherited any of our activities or anything from our parents.
So do you think on the other side of that,
do you think having kids would change those activities that you did together?
Yes. Don't you think Kris some of the Alpine climbing, I don't.
Yeah, we've talked about it actually.
Yeah.
I think the instances we're in like Alpine climbing where you're
both in a situation that if something went really wrong, those people would.
Die.
This is what people would dive in.
We've talked about perhaps not hearing that so much or perhaps even at all.
Yeah.
Given that we would leave any kid we had childless.
But as far as the actual climbing lifestyle,
no, I mean I don't think it's going to change.
No, we just we just put them in
a baby carrier and strap them to a tree. We talked about this, right?
Exactly.
And they'd probably love it. They'd probably love it.
Yeah.
Yeah, we definitely, again,
there's a safety factor and all the planning.
But definitely, some of the climbing that we've done,
some together and Kris has done more of them than I usually feel comfortable with.
There's just, I don't know,
too much potential for something to go wrong.
Like a storm comes up and you get struck by lightning because you're stranded,
that kind of stuff. I don't know.
I think early in our relationship,
that kind of stuff would be easier for me and I don't know,
maybe the further we get in our relationship,
some of the risks doesn't seem to outweigh all of the benefit.
I think adding kids into that definitely slides the button of what's okay or not.
Kind of slides a little bit farther,
it doesn't slide all the way.
If you had knew a couple that were just getting to know each other
and you knew they were both sort of adventurous kinds of people,
what advice would you give them as they're getting to know each other?
Are there some things that you know now as a adventure couple
that you didn't know when you were first dating each other?
Yes.
I mean I know advice that I would give them but I don't know that there is-.
I would tell them to go out on adventures,
do some traveling together,
do some whatever that activity is,
do it together earlier than later and it will likely,
not that people can't grow and learn to do things
together but it would probably serve as a litmus test for
how they react in high-stress situations to each other and to the world in general.
You can take someone's documents where you have to spend a day or two with
them uninterrupted and then you
might have different ideas especially if you have to trust each other.
Yeah. Very different kind of date that's for sure.
Yeah. Actually, mine and Kris's first date.
How long did it last?
We went hiking and then we went hiking again and then the car got broken into.
We were out like for 20 hours.
Oh wow. That's almost the equivalent of someone running out of gas.
Right? And on purpose.
That's happened too.
But that was later.
That was later. Yeah, I definitely don't
think there's anything we would do differently because I think that we,
for our personalities, yeah,
we started doing stuff together immediately like we started going climbing.
When we had been dating for like two or three months,
we went on like a 10-day backpacking trip with just us and one other friend.
Wow.
Yeah.
So I think if you're like convince everything like,
"Hey, spend 10 days with this person that you're
dating with no showers, no civilization."
Very melodic crap like, yeah.
Yeah that's-.
And only have each other to talk to, so.
Now, that's true love.
It really.
Sometimes, yeah.
Yeah, it's amazing.
I mean I hadn't even thought about the fact that you have,
I don't want to say tested but your relationship has,
you've experienced lots of different things in your relationships that many people don't,
who sort of are having.
They'd still go through experiences.
But I feel like in some ways,
a lot of the thrill seekers I've talked to learn so much about themselves,
they trust themselves because they know they do well in these high-risk experiences.
But it also sounds like you know each other really well in a way that
people don't typically because they're not tested in those kinds of experiences.
And so that's a really wonderful way to get to know someone else.
Yeah. I think we definitely.
Especially, if somebody knows that if
they have withdrawal towards like some kind of adventurous activity,
then they start dating somebody who doesn't.
That's definitely something they should probably figure out very early on.
I don't think Kris and I both had other serious relationships than
like my most serious relationship before him and the person was not
very adventurous and yes this felt like a constant like pulling like I was having to
pull somebody along and that's not very quickly.
Was that boring for you being in that relationship that kind of relationship?
It was actually kind of exhausting but kind of felt like I was
always like I was always trying to do and encourage and to get going.
And I don't have to do that.
Yeah. You can both be yourselves, and that's really the great relationships are
about so that you can be yourself
and you can sort of be like
a better version of yourself and you're sort of pushing each other in that way.
Anything else about the relationships that you feel
like that you would want someone to know who is reading a book about Thrill Seekers,
anything else that I didn't ask about?
I don't know I guess like one thing about us and
our relationship is most of our friends that we climb with there,
we used to ski a lot like our friends like ski buddies and climbing buddies,
most of them are single and I think lots some like
different relationships and it's just
been I don't know it's interesting like if you are if you are very,
very, very, very passionate about something,
it seems like you have to have somebody who also
understands that and doesn't think that you're a crazy person.
And it's just I don't know.
For me, I can't imagine being with somebody who can't
enjoy the same kind of experiences that give me like complete fulfillment.
Yeah.
And so, I don't know like I know everybody's kind of
like that and people can have different views but like maybe
there's something different about drawn to
a certain kind of activity that we're drawn to,
it makes it hard to explain to somebody.
Yeah, yeah.
And perhaps [inaudible] aspect of it,
and like the experiential aspect of it
that I mean Jess and I don't do all the same thing as far as.
Right.
I mean just knows about my research and has read from my research,
we have done some of the same and she has been generally ensuring my research
but Jess know all the research that I do are blah-blah-blah.
And so like really I like my research. It's good.
But our activities like there's so experiential that it like not sharing and
it would be like not sharing a pretty large portion
of how I like look at the world I guess and how I feel like.
Yeah.
And so that would be really hard.
I used to, yeah when I was in college,
when I would go on date, the outdoors were a large part of the dates.
And if that didn't go well then I knew that I wasn't going to go particularly well.
Because it's really who you are, yeah it's who you are.
Right.
Yeah.
And I think that like Jess was alluding to you before was
a lots of our friends who are single who are our age like we're in our early 30s.
They've been in relationships to people who aren't interested in that sort of
outdoor experiential type thing and then sort of what eventually seem
to happen of course is anecdotal but what seems to happen is that that person
who is in outdoor as you call them Thrill Seekers that doesn't go away.
Whereas the first reason that we think that it will go away and eventually it causes
so much friction that their relationship disintegrates.
Yeah, that's why it's important to be able to do those things early to sort
of find out whether or not there is a shared experience that you can have.
Right.
Yes, some people like they find,
they find some kind of experience where they like,
this person is doing it and one person can really kind of like get their fix.
And that's great.
Maybe person A doesn't want to go climbing or skiing but they really like
going backpacking and that trail running or something like that.
But yeah, I think for some people,
it's such a huge part of their life that it's just I don't know.
Like maybe too big to not be able to share it with somebody.
Yeah. Thank you so much and I'm glad that you found each other to do these things with.
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